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The teacher walked into class and asked, “Who finished their homework?” Almost everyone raised a hand. One student kept his hand down. The teacher noticed. “Why didn’t you do your homework?” He stood up. “Because of my dog.” The teacher sighed. “Your dog ate it?” “No.” “He lost it?” “No.” “Then what happened?” The student…
I was having dinner at a restaurant when the waiter came over. “Would you like anything else?” I looked at my empty plate. “No, thank you.” He smiled. “How was everything?” “Excellent.” Then he asked, “Would you like dessert?” I said, “No, I’m completely full.” He nodded and walked away. Ten seconds later, I saw…
I went for a job interview. The interviewer asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I smiled confidently. “Hopefully sitting in your chair.” He raised an eyebrow. “That’s ambitious.” I nodded. “Very.” He looked at my résumé. “You have no management experience.” “Correct.” “You’ve never managed a team?” “No.” “Then why do you…
At dinner, my little brother suddenly said, “Did you know the human body is mostly water?” Dad nodded. “Yes.” My brother smiled proudly. “That means I’m basically a swimming pool.” Everyone laughed. He looked offended. “What?” Mom said, “You’re not a swimming pool.” He thought about it. “Then why do I get thirsty?” Dad laughed….
Dad sat beside me while I practiced driving. “Relax,” he said. “I’ve been driving for 30 years.” I nodded. “Okay.” A few seconds later, he shouted, “BRAKE!” I slammed the brakes. “What happened?” “Nothing.” “Then why did you yell?” “I was testing your reflexes.” We continued driving. A minute later, he shouted, “TURN!” I turned….
My friend told me, “I can predict the future.” I laughed. “Really? What’s going to happen tomorrow?” He looked at me seriously. “You’re going to give me $10.” “Why?” “Because I predicted it.” I laughed. “I’m not giving you anything.” He smiled. “Okay.” The next day, he asked me for $10. I said, “No.” He…
I was quietly eating cake in the kitchen at midnight when Mom suddenly turned on the light. She stared at me. “Why are you eating cake at midnight?” I froze. “I couldn’t sleep.” “So you came downstairs for cake?” I nodded. “Yes. Cake makes me sleepy.” Mom looked at the huge slice in my hand….
My neighbor bought a smart doorbell. He was excited. “It recognizes faces!” The next morning, he called me. “Something’s wrong with my doorbell.” “What happened?” “It keeps telling me an unknown person is at my door.” I looked at the camera. It was him. I said, “That’s you.” He looked confused. “Impossible. I live here.”…
Dad announced, “I’m going on a strict diet.” Mom asked, “Starting when?” “Right now.” He opened the refrigerator. He stared inside for a few seconds. Then closed it. Five minutes later, he opened it again. Mom said, “Looking for something?” “No.” He opened the freezer. “Then what are you doing?” “I’m checking my willpower.” “And?”…
We were playing a board game when my friend secretly moved his piece three spaces. I said, “Hey! You can’t do that.” He looked innocent. “I didn’t.” My little nephew immediately shouted, “YES, YOU DID!” My friend froze. “Why are you accusing me?” My nephew pointed at him. “Because I saw you!” My friend looked…