My friend decided to get fit. He bought new shoes, workout clothes, and a water bottle. On Monday, we went to the gym together. He looked around. “Where are the snacks?” I laughed. “This is a gym.” “I know.” “So why would there be snacks?” He pointed toward the vending machine. “There!” I said, “Those…

My wife looked at me and said, “You never listen to anything I say.” I immediately replied, “That’s not true.” She crossed her arms. “Really? What did I just say?” I smiled confidently. “You said I never listen.” She stared at me. “Exactly.” I nodded. “See? I listened.” She walked away shaking her head. I…

My neighbor proudly showed me his new smart doorbell. “It has a camera, microphone, motion detection, everything.” “Wow,” I said. “What did it cost?” He told me. I nearly dropped my coffee. “That’s more than my first car!” He smiled. “It’s worth it.” “Why?” “Now I always know who’s at my door.” The next day,…

My wife walked into the room. “Are you listening to me?” I immediately put my phone down. “Of course.” “What did I just say?” I smiled confidently. “You said…” I paused. She crossed her arms. “Go ahead.” “You said something important.” “What something?” “Something very important.” She stared at me. “That’s not an answer.” I…

My friend bought a parrot that could talk. He was incredibly proud. “Watch this.” He pointed at the bird. “Say hello.” The parrot stared at him. Nothing. My friend tried again. “Say hello.” Still nothing. He looked embarrassed. “It’s probably shy.” I laughed. “Maybe give it some time.” The next morning he called me. “You…

I checked into a hotel late at night. The receptionist smiled. “Would you like a wake-up call tomorrow morning?” “Yes, please. Seven o’clock.” She nodded. “Anything else?” I thought for a second. “Actually, yes.” She picked up her pen. “What would you like?” “Could you also call me at 7:05?” She looked confused. “Why?” “So…

My little brother waited until everyone was asleep. He slowly opened his bedroom door. He tiptoed down the hallway. He carefully avoided the floorboards that made noise. Then he reached the front door. He turned the handle very slowly. CREAK. He froze. Nobody moved. He smiled. “Mission successful.” Then the lights suddenly came on. Dad…

Grandma finally joined our family group chat. Everyone welcomed her. “Welcome, Grandma!” She replied with a thumbs-up emoji. Five minutes later, she sent another thumbs-up. Then another. Then twelve more. Dad asked, “Grandma, do you know how to use emojis?” She replied, “Yes.” Then she sent a picture of a potato. Nobody understood. Mom asked,…

My friend bought a robot vacuum. He was extremely excited. “Look! It cleans the entire house by itself.” The robot started moving across the floor. My friend smiled. “See? No effort.” Five minutes later, he was following it around. I asked, “Why are you following the vacuum?” “I’m supervising.” “Supervising what?” “The cleaning.” The robot…

Dad was arguing with Mom about what time the grocery store closed. Mom said, “It closes at eight.” Dad said, “No, it closes at nine.” Mom checked her phone. “Google says eight.” Dad shook his head. “Google is wrong.” Mom looked at him. “Why?” “Because I’ve been there before.” “So?” “I remember it being open…